IMPASSE

I am at an impasse

Between heart and mind

Body and soul

I am floundering

In the depths of my

Own murky waters.

Where is my solace?

Where is my giant bear hug?

My words of solidarity or comfort?

Where is my 5am voice

At the other end of a telephone?

Where is my everything?

I tried to declare a moratorium

On all things pertaining to my heart.

But it didn’t work.

It keeps beating

And feeling

And never letting go,

Never stopping its

Constant rhythm of

Thick, blood lined emotion.

A distant heavy tattoo

On fleshy drums.

It’s no wonder I can’t tell

What direction I'm going in.

Steps forward

Steps backward

Steps sideways.

It’s all just steps to nowhere.

I console myself with cheap coffee

Cheaper movies,

And even cheaper wine.

There are no arms of respite here.

Here alone with my death

My breath

My lingering heart beat.

I am at an impasse

I am at war

I am holding on

And I am letting go

Stripped bare

To the bone

To my core

Beating,

Pumping

Rising

Falling

Reviling myself

In a body that’s slowly ending.