STUFFED

Through various poses
Through various stages
Through tears and tantrums and doubts.
Through joyous occasions
Through loneliest heartaches
Through sickness, despair and let downs.
Through various cities
Through various time zones
Through innocence, altered and greyed.
Through sleeplessness spent at the edges of reason,
Through moments of violence and rage.
Through exquisite touches
Through tender encounters
Through timelessness, through all the pain
Through happy and sad,
We are fixed to give calm
And comfort with our open arms.
We smell of her youth,
We hold all her secrets
Locked safely inside our stuffed hearts.
Inanimate playthings
With fur on the outside
We are strong
We are solid
We are soft
Throughout all these years
She has cuddled our safety
We are teddy
We are bear
We are stuffed.

GLASS HEART

I bring to you a heart

Reviled and broken

A fragile thing of glass.

In places there are many cracks

In places there are smooth untouched surfaces

In places there are empty spaces

I give to you to fill.

Some of it is hard as stone

Some as soft as cotton

There are chambers in my heart

Where no light gets in.

There are chambers in my heart

That glow ferociously.

I bring to you

This fragile

Transparent piece of me.

I place it in your hands.

Inside it you can see me,

All of me

Raw and unabashed

Naked within my own flames.

Complete yet unfinished

Whole yet halved

Meek yet fierce.

In short,

I bring to you myself.

I bring to you

I bring

I

FROM GRACE

My grace,

I lost you

Fallen from me

Through the winter

Of my discontent.

Cascading to the ground,

Amber autumn leaves,

Crunched beneath the feet

Of my tired soul.

My grace

You called for me

Through howling winds

And screaming gales

My name you called

‘I’m here’, you called,

But the screeching of this

Empty season deafened me.

My grace

I lost you

You tried to hold me

So gently,

Entangled in your silvery grip.

But I slipped,

And I fell…

From grace…

I fell

From grace

I

Fell from grace.

PREOCCUPATION

Lately I have noticed

A preoccupation with grey.

I’m wearing it on my fingernails

On my legs

On my feet

On my torso

But mostly,

I’m wearing is inside my head.

It’s a lack of colour obtained

By combining

Two polar opposites.

The black

The white

The absence of light

And the abundance of it.

Shady unclear thought

A process of complacency

Lost ferocity

Blurred lines that once

Formed a  boundary,

A definition of a whole person.

Now it’s just a white noise haze

Encroached upon by the dark.

Grey matters

Inside my grey brain matter.

IMPASSE

I am at an impasse

Between heart and mind

Body and soul

I am floundering

In the depths of my

Own murky waters.

Where is my solace?

Where is my giant bear hug?

My words of solidarity or comfort?

Where is my 5am voice

At the other end of a telephone?

Where is my everything?

I tried to declare a moratorium

On all things pertaining to my heart.

But it didn’t work.

It keeps beating

And feeling

And never letting go,

Never stopping its

Constant rhythm of

Thick, blood lined emotion.

A distant heavy tattoo

On fleshy drums.

It’s no wonder I can’t tell

What direction I'm going in.

Steps forward

Steps backward

Steps sideways.

It’s all just steps to nowhere.

I console myself with cheap coffee

Cheaper movies,

And even cheaper wine.

There are no arms of respite here.

Here alone with my death

My breath

My lingering heart beat.

I am at an impasse

I am at war

I am holding on

And I am letting go

Stripped bare

To the bone

To my core

Beating,

Pumping

Rising

Falling

Reviling myself

In a body that’s slowly ending.  

VICTORY OR VENDETTA

Where the godless fear to tread.

That’s where I keep my heart these days,

Or at least my head,

Where no light gets in.

Where tumble down is a stasis

And chaos gives way to a stillness of the mind,

Havoc comforts

Inside the arms of madness.

Quiet calamity

Breaking softly at the

Foot of a vacuum

The breast of heart ache

The mouth of hungry anguish.

It chomps at the bit,

Waiting for the sound of the starting gun,

Waiting

Like my anger

Hallow and fierce

Standing in line

Emotional cannon fodder.

Blast a gaping hole through my psyche

Let me crawl through myself.

To walk in a straight line

Towards victory,

Or vendetta,

Or simply peace.

WALK LIKE THUNDER, WRITE LIKE RAIN

I walk like thunder,

Write like rain,

Until  the world

Just falls away.

A fragile heart,

Broken skin,

Beneath the steel

I hide within.

Cascade on me,

Oh summer sun,

And let in light

Where I've begun

To die and fester

Mould and rot,

The husk of me

That time forgot.

I walk like thunder,

Write like rain,

I try to stop

Familiar pain

From taking hold

From getting in,

From overtaking

From within.

But I can’t win

This race in time

My heart a clock,

Its wings divine.

I tread upon

These angel wings,

I wake and stare

And still can’t sing.

For all I need

When I'm in doubt

The only thing to do,

But shout,

Is walk like thunder,

Write like rain,

Again

Again

Again

Again.